How to beat Tolarian Blue!!!
Now, everyone seems to be whining about how FAST and how STRONG Tolarian Blue is.
Here are some of the things I heard in reference to the Tolarian Blue players at the last tournament I was at:
"(Whimper)...(Whimper)...That's BROKEN!...(Soft crying)..."
"Draw HOW MANY?!? In a second here I'm gonna be drawing your blood..."
"Listen KID, I have ZITS bigger than you! You die, after the tournament."
"Slow down, wait a minute, Windfall, Mind over...Scroll R? SLOW DOWN!"
"Hmmm, an Island. You're obviously playing Academy."
"And I thought MIND TWIST was broken..."
"Oh sure, don't have the balls to play me in a FAIR game."
Here's one play-by-play example:
(Players sit down)
Player 1: "Hey, aren't you playing Academy?"
Player 2: "I win the toss"
Player 1: "How does that combo work?"
Player 2: (Fast flurry of card floppin') "That's Game."
Player 1: "How can you have friends?"
As you can see, the Tolarian Blue deck dominated that particular tournament, much to the chagrin of the other players. Now....
How to beat Tolarian Blue
With the Anti-Tolarian Blue Deck (ATB)
Now, as everyone knows, Tolarian Blue player make you draw your whole deck with a huge Stroke of Genius to win. As everyone also knows, Tolarian Blue players tend to be greasy, fat, ugly, dumb, and above all IMPATIENT. Tolarian Blue players' games tend to last between 10 and 15 seconds. So, I've come up with the best possible solution to this problem with the most super secret tech EVER, which is as follows: PLAY WITH A 500+ CARD DECK.
This is how the game will look:
Both player sit down.
Both players begin taking out their decks.
Tolarian Blue player shuffles.
Tolarian Blue player rolls the die.
Tolarian Blue player draws his cards.
ATB player finishes bringing out his deck.
TB player gasps in fright at the size of the ATB's deck.
ATB player shuffles cards 1-60 of his deck.
TB player looks around the room, presumably for some Twinkies
ATB player shuffles cards 61-120 of his deck.
TB player looks at his hand, then off into space.
ATB player shuffles cards 121-180 of his deck.
TB player begins to fidget with his hand and giggles uncontrollably.
ATB player shuffles cards 181-240 of his deck and chuckles.
TB player begins to talk to himself about the cool Seinfeld last night.
ATB player shuffles cards 241-300 of his deck.
TB player tries to waddle his fat ass away, gets a warning.
ATB player shuffles cards 301-360 of his deck.
TB player mumbles something like "Where are my marbles?".
ATB player shuffles cards 361-420 of his deck.
TB player's eyes glaze over alarmingly.
ATB player shuffles cards 421-480 of his deck.
TB player stops fidgeting with his hand, the ink has worn away.
ATB player shuffles cards 481-540 of his deck.
TB player tries to stab you in the eye with a 4-sided, gets another warning.
ATB player rolls the die.
ATB player draws his cards.
(There are now 5 minutes left in the match)
Round 1:
TB Player plays 4 or 5 artifacts, and a Tolarian Academy.
ATB Player plays a Swamp.
TB Player plays a couple windfalls, a scroll rack, and some other random cards. ATB player is forced to draw 100 cards.
ATB Player plays another swamp, and 4 dark rituals, and about 10 creatures. Then discards.
TB Player (Looking alarmed) makes ATB player draw 200 more cards (Ha ha ha).
ATB Player laughs alarmingly. Plays another swamp and 4 priests of gix. Attacks. GAME!
TB Player goes for ATB player's throat. Gets a DQ and a restraining order.
As you can see, this SUPER DUPER SECRET TECH is the ONLY way to beat a Tolarian Blue player! The only problem with the Anti-Tolarian Blue deck is that it's not very strong against other deck types. Here is a sample ATB deck I played at the State Championship:
4 of every black card.
10 more Dark Rituals (Like you're gonna get deck checked, your deck is bigger than the judge.)
150 Swamps.
I won the first 6 rounds cuz everyone was playin TB. Then I lost to one of those broken Serra's Sanctum decks.
By Justin Sante.
If you liked this humor article, you can read a few of my others here:
Da Finkel Killuh
Da Finkel Killuh goes to an Extended Tournament.
Singles Pricing Guide
I also have a cool AD&D web site here:
//www.iusb.edu/~jsante
And a cool program I wrote:
Card Search
Basically, what this program does is allows you to search a database of every card in Magic up to Urza's Saga, including Unglued. You can search by title, card text, casting cost (for mental magic), and all other criterions. It's an "always on top" program, which occupies one fifth of the screen, so its main use is top search for cards you don't recognize on a Dojo decklist. Basically, just copy and paste the card name from your browser into the first text box (card title), and it'll find it automatically. There's a text file with instructions included (Fer all ya stupid scrubs).
If you have any questions/comments about Card Search, just Mail Me at chowlu@michiana.org.