It just happened that one weekend I was in Salinas. I had gone to play Doomtrooper with the homeless. I kept winning because they were drunk and didn't know I was stealing their cards. However, a passing little kid told them of what I was doing and they got real mad. They kicked my @$$ and stole of my Doomtrooper cards! I got revenge though, I stole their beer bottles and stole a Beanie Baby the little kid happened to have.

With a Beanie Baby in hand, and a lot of glass, I proceeded to make some money. Got one lousy freaking nickel for all those damned bottles I had to lug to the recylcing center. Obviously, I wanted more money. I had to sell the stupid looking Beanie Baby. That sucked because I wanted to light it on fire. There was only one place in this whole valley that traded in these little fuzzy freaks, a place called Stark Cards and Beanies. So, I went there to make some money.

I walked in and the only person in there was Tony, the manager. He saw me come in and immediately reached for his autographed Ken Griffey Jr. bat. He brandished the bat and said, "You better not cause any trouble this time, Mad Dog! I'm not gonna clean up another one of those messes like you made last week with the cat feces!"

"Um, no. No!" I said, "No messes with cat poop this time, promise!" I hid a smile, because I had a whole coffee can full of dog poop in my back pack this time.

He lowered the bat a bit, but not completely, then asked, "Then what the hell are you here for? Half the time you're only here to piss us all off, and the other half you're trying to steal Wyvern packs, or destroy the Beanie Babies rack."

I raised the Baby. It was all soaked in beer from the bottles and smelled like cigarette smoke from my fight with the bums. "I want to sell this. I want money! Do you hear me, MONEY!!!" Were I a dog, I most likely would have been foaming at the mouth.

He took one look at the filthy object and shouted, "You fool! Nobody will ever buy that thing! It looks like you stole it from a hobo!"

I looked at the thing. It was all wet and smelly, and it had a big black stain from when one of the bums puked in my direction. "Actually, I stole it from a little girl on the street outside...I mean I traded for it. I had to give up my autographed Basal Thrull card."

Tony raised the bat again and had to inquire, "Why in hell would you trade for that piece of sh*t? We all know you hate Beanie Babies."

"I um, I knew this store deals in the freaks and I wanted to sell it. This is the special Joe the Boozer Bull one, you know. Its worth, like...um, a thousand dollars or something. So, you wanna buy it?"

Tony used the bat to point to the giant rack full of Beanie Babies for sale. "First of all, the real Joe the Boozer Bull is actually a BULL. You're holding a penguin you idiot! Secondly, he's got a mug of beer and ten pot joints in his mouth. And last, nobody will ever buy anything that is as dirty as that piece of crap you're holding."

Having lost the bidding war, I set the penguin on a nearby card table. Then I sat down in front of it. "I'm not leaving until you buy this."

He raised the baseball bat like he was going to charge, but it didn't scare me. He looked around and then said, "Look, you smell like burned Doomtrooper cards, and it looks like somebody pissed on your shoes. There's gonna be a tournament in an hour and none of them want you around to wreak havoc. I'll give you a free Fallen Empires pack if you leave right now."

The offer sounded good, but I wanted money. I wanted money to buy my own packs. Then I thought about it. I could get a free booster back for going away. Free meant no money. Hey, I solved a problem! I accepted the pack and left.

Damn this pack was so cool! Armor Thrull, Rainbow Vale, Icatian Priest, Icatian Town, and a few others that were lost when...

I was clotheslined by a big fat guy! He yelled something like "Hey you little piss-ant! My daughter here says you stole her pet penguin! You give it back or I'll beat you until you look like a Drew Tucker Night Soil!"

I handed back the stupid thing. For some reason the girl began crying as I gave it back. It was missing an eye or something and had all that bum stuff covering it. The dad got real mad and attacked.

I woke up inside a dumpster full of medical watse. It smelled good and it was nice I finally got to have a decent meal that day. It was almost like eating hot dogs. Unfortunately I had lost my pack of Fallen Empires. I decided the best course of action would be to go back to Stark and get another.

As I entered the glass door to Stark a Ken Griffey bat rushed at my face. I dodged it just in time and suddenly heard Tony say, "Didn't I just kick your @$$ out of here an hour ago!? You got your bribe now leave!"

I protested, "I lost the pack, @$$hole. I'm not leaving until I get...two! Yeah, that's it! I want two packs as a bribe now! I won't leave until I get two Fallen Empires packs!"

The bat went at my head again. I dodged and Tony hit the big rack of Beanies right behind me. The whole thing caved in and fell to the ground in ruins. I couldn't help but laugh my @$$ off. I had finally magaed to get those things destroyed! I laughed and laughed and laughed and suddenly a big object hit my in the groin.

As I fell wheezing to the groun I noticed somebody had been nice enough to assault me with a whole box of Rage boosters. I didn't get them though, because as I reached for them the Ken Griffey bat hit its mark on the back of my head. While I was knocked cold they took my special skull and crossbones hat as their captive.

I awoke to a most perculiar scene. I was surrounded by a horde of Magic players. They were all snickering and some appeared to be placing bets. Then, there was Tim in front of me. Tim was the power gamer of the whole group in Salinas. He could get a Leviathan out on turn one with a Standard deck and actually make it work. He was also the guy who never talked unless he had something important to say. And he did speak, "Mad Dog, the day of reconing had come upon you. We've taken your hat captive and now you have to face the challenge we've prepared for you to get it back." He paused to make sure I could see my hat placed securely atop the reconstructed rack of Beanies, then continued, "We're about to have a tourney. We'll ignore everything you do as we play, and your antics will be futile. Then, if you happen to remain sane after that period of time, you'll have to play against me in the final macth. Win, and you get the hat, a box of Fallen Empires, and Stark's whole stock of Wyvern. Lose, and your precious hat is ours."

I couldn't believe it. It was like a freaking video game! Go through all this stupid bullsh*t to get a a boss that just sits there and lets you beat the crap out of him and you win! Too bad I didn't have a Game Shark with me. Either way, I was going to win this. I smiled in acceptance of the challenge.

Then Tim opened his mouth again, "There's another thing. For added torment, we've all brought out girlfriends. As you're the only one here that's too much of a loser to have one, we know it'll be hell. Enjoy. We'll begin now." The players suddenly scarmbled into their various playing matches. The tourney began, and I stood at the counter, trying to find something to do.

There was the slave Leia card from the Jaba's Palace expansion at the glass counter, but I stared at her every time I came to the store. I needed to do something else to keep myself distracted. I walked to the old Magic cards and discovered the Gwen Di Corci card. WHOA!!! I sat there staring for about forty minutes, until the general concensus was that it would be far too easy for me if I was able to stare at nearly maked women artwork. Tony took a big black garbage bag and covered the glass counter with Magic, and the one with Star Wars, and the Anime shelf, and the comic racks, and the sports videos with the cheerleaders on the covers, and the magazine display case with the Duelist that had Xena on the cover.

No chicks for me to stare at. At least, not fake ones. Now I had to turn around and look at the real chicks and the tourney going on. I reckoned that it was Tim's fault that I had been put into this challenge, so I would hit on his girlfriend. After all, he took my hat. So, it was only fair I take his babe.

"Hey there hot mamma," I coyly said as I approached the brunette bombshell, "I like your rack. You know, I'd like to see your rack up close. That is, if you know what I'm talking about." Sadly, I wasn't talking about her breasts. I was looking at her trade binder with The Rack filling up the currently open pages.

There it was, a hard kick in the groin and a punch to the stomach, standard fare for chicks when they kick my @$$. She closed her trade binder and walked away.

I hobbled after her saying, "Don't go babe. I'm interested in other racks, too. I just wanted to trade first and then go out later!"

She spun around and slammed my head with the binder. "There's your racks up close you b@stard! Now get the hell away form me!"

There had to be a better chick around anyway. I went over to some random girl I never saw before and began, "Hey, I lost my Serra Angel. Do you mind coming home and taking her place in my collection?"

My sorry @$$ was kicked again. I thought well maybe since I was covered in smeared booze, cigarette ash, and medical waste, I probably was pretty bad looking at the time. I knew that even as messed up as I was, I could still get one of the "lesser" chicks. I saw one sitting all by herself opening some Ani-Mayhem packs, and taking time out from looking at her new cards to pick her nose. She would be the PERFECT victim. Heheheh.

This time I made up a new line I had never heard before. "Hello there. I heard Anime fans that are chicks look just like the ones on the Anime they watch. So, mind letting me see if you look like animation or Anime?"

Her only response was a large snot that she flicked directly in between my eyes. She took her new cards and left the store.

Okay, a new trick had to be devised. I took out my box of cards I had in my pack (amazingly nobody had messed with them all day) and thumbed through them. I found some of the white UnGlued cards and instantly knew what to do. "Hey all you sexy chicks!" I announced, "You don't want to be hanging around a bunch of geeks that can Impulse like a Donkey, now do you? Of course you don't! You want a sexy guy." I held up a wad of Sex Appeal cards. "See, I have LOTS of sex appeal right here! TONS OF FREAKING SEX APPEAL!" No response from the girls. "Come on! I'm a guy with plenty of sex appeal to go around for all of you!" Again, no response. Although, I think I heard somebody say "Stupid freaking b@stard" but I'm not sure. I reached in my pants and took out a fake oversize card, then yelled, "See, I not only have tons of sex appeal, I also have the biggest darned Sea Serpent in the world! Now isn't that worth leaving your dorky man for? My giant serpent wants to go diving, girls! Don't deprive my big fellah!" I then proceeded to play with the serpent card like a toy, making sounds like the Loch Ness Monster as I preteded it was swimming around the room. At this point, pennies were being thrown at me.

Getting whacked in the face more than five dozen times, I immediately put an end to playing with my serpent and put it back in my pants. There was nothing to do but sit and wait. Well, being Mad Dog, I had to find another option. I sat, but sort of twitching like a crazy person. I growled at passing little kids because they all reminded me of the brat with the Beanie penguin. I even walked around the room a few times to pick up the pennies all over the floor, but people stepped on my hands so I stopped. As I sat I even tried eating the few pennies I had picked up. They were sort of metal flavored and some of them tasted like the roads outside (yes, I've tasted pavement). They weren't very chewy, and no matter how many licks I never could get to the candy center. So, I ended up swallowing them all whole. Finally, the tourney had finished. The final round had come.

I was forced to sit at a table across from Tim. I didn't have a deck, but I did have enough spare cards from a Fallen Empires set I was putting together to pretend I had a deck. We shuffled, cut, and drew. Sadly, three days ago Tim and I had been playing UnGlued against each other...in that game he had played Double Play and Double Take quite a few times. He put down 40-somthing lands, then cast a sh*tload of butt-weasel creatures. Attack first turn...I was dead.

With one game lost, my hat would be doomed if I lost again (It was a best 2 out of 3 tourney). We shuffled, cut, and I went first. I layed down a Dwarven Hold.

His turn: He puts down a Swamp, Dark Ritual, Black Knight with Unholy Strength. I was amazed! He had a scrub deck! I was going to win! I was going to win!

My turn: I accidentally untap the Hold. Play a Dwarven Ruins.

Tim's turn: Swamp, two freaking Carnophage, a Dark Ritual, and a Necropotence. Pays a ton of life, then attacks, then ends and draws back up to seven cards in hand.

Mine: I leave the stupid Hold tapped. In my main phase I sac the Ruins to play a Goblin, then a Goblin Grenade. As I feel good for having blasted him for 5, I declare, "Tim, your stinking worthless @$$ is history! I'm applying the BEATDOWN now and there's no escpaing it!" Strangely, everyong present laughed, except for Tim, who cussed at me or something. I put down a Rainbow Vale, tap it for a red mana, and cast Delif's Cube. Then I say, "Now my army will never be killed by yours!"

Tim's: Plays three Dark Rituals, then taps the three lands he has, puts down another swamp, and slaps a Howl From Beyond on his Knight. He then blows me away with his scrubby black army.

As Tim raised his arms in victory, there was a room full of clapping people cheering and whistling. They said things like "Hey, that @$$hole's been humiliated" or "Mad Dog's just proven how sh*tty his little Fallen Empires are!" and even really mean things like, "If he plays Magic this bad, maybe he better just stick to playing Wyvern out in the forest with the squirrels. As least he won't get his @$$ kicked as quickly out there."

I hung my head in shame. Match lighters were flaring up all over. The whole room was shouting to Tony and Tim to burn my hat. They decided not to, so that its presence may shine as a memorial to this historic day. I slowly got out of my chair. It was funny, because there was so much noise in the room nobody noticed that I farted really loud as I walked past a group of girls. In a humilated march, I proceeded to leave Stark as bottles of Champaigne were popped open in celebration. I could swear each and every cork was aimed at my back side. It hurt like hell, and I rushed to get out of the store.

As I reached the large glass door, I suddenly rememebred my backpack and the coffee can inside it. I ripped out the can, and shouted, "Eat sh*t and die, losers!" I then proceeded to toss the dung at every person in my way until I reached my hat. Each and every one of them was met with a warm, thick smattering of the canine gift. I got my hat, and not wasting any time while the people got the feces out of their eyes, mouths, and clothing, I made my escape. NOBODY CAN FULLY DEFEAT MAD DOG! NOT NOBODY ON THIS FREAKING BLUE BALL WE CALL...um, what was the name of this little planet again? Ah, never mind. I WON!

Um, if you are close enough to read this, then you are in Wet Gerbil range. And yes, he is aware that the title for this week's Rant had nothing to do with the Rant itself. Mad Dog welcomes any feedback you have about this or any other Mad Dog Rants. Suggestions for future Ironman Magic articles are appreciated. If you would like to communicate to Mad Dog, then take an unopened pack of Homelands and light it on fire. This should cause a smoke signal that will get Mad Dog to come running to that location with free Fallen Empires packs. If this does not work, then send e-mail to madcanine@yahoo.com or just shout really loud.