Subject: Redemption Report Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 23:05:23 -0400 From: Otter Driver To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com The Redemption Tourney Report, or, How to be a Praya Well, I woke up at 8:00 am, late for the tourney as usual... got on my bike and rode by Jebediah's house to pick up the remainder of Team Elect. We got to the venue, filled out decklists and passed the plate. I decided after much playtesting and prayer to go with my Submissiveness of Mary/Flagellation soft lock deck... Jeb went with his tried-and-true StupidRedBoils with Nazarene tech, and Aaron went with his ungodly Abaddon the Destroyer "Mortal Sin," as he had talked with the Head Judge earlier and confirmed the errata declaring it non-blasphemous. The HJ announced that we'd be using the optional Jerusalem mulligan rule, and that there would be five rounds of Swiss pairings, despite the questionable ecumenical status of the Swiss. Unfortunately, the event wasn't sanctioned due to certain dire prophecies concerning the use of barcodes as tracking devices, but we all know who's ranking system really matters, right? ;) Anyway, we got our pairings, were seated, said our prayers of thankfulness and bwatdown, and got started. Round 1 Some Random Sinner This guy's deck obviously needed tuning... it was kind of suboptimal. I mean, Saul of Tarsus maindeck without Road to Damascus? Please. Game 1, I got the quick lock going with a second turn Away in a Manger backed up by Star of Bethlehem... as soon as Abednigo dropped, he conceded. Strong. Game 2, in came Blinded by the Light, his Sauls got sidetracked before they hit the table, and I dropped holy science on his wack ass. Who loves you, Mary? ;) Round 2 Gunther Lipschitz Uh-oh... this guy is a real praya, having just won the Midwest Lutheran Regionals... he sits down, mutters something in Latin, and shuffles. We start up, and there's a bit of a squabble over whether he gets to use his St. Christopher's medal as a reminder to pay upkeep on Uncircumsised Heathen, but the judge rules in my favor (get thee BEHIND me! jeez). Anyway, sure enough, two turns later he forgets to pay upkeep and has to bury the Heathen... he can't recover and I take the first. Second game is all him... I get manna-screwed and it's all about the Heathen. Game three, I draw two of my SB CoP: Gentiles in my opening hand... he knocks out the first, but the second Circle stays unbroken and his Heathen kill him. He says something about pride before a fall... yeah, whatEVER. Save some souls in the loser's bracket, heathen-boy. Round 3 Some Chick I get a flash of ankle as we sit and shuffle, but I stay calm, even after I lose the flip. Time to render unto Caesar, skeezer. I think "oh great, another deck xeroxed off the Tabernacle" first turn Leper, second turn Pharaoh's Flunkies and Jawbone of an Ass, and third turn Dead Sea Scroll (ba-ROKEN!)... I'm burned out by fifth turn. Second game it's all me... I drop *all three* Magi, protect them, topdeck Submissiveness and Flagellation, get the lock, and she concedes when I get Blessing recursion going. Flagellation is such a beating. Suffer not a witch to live, sister. =) Third game is bull... she gets the God draw, drops *two* Scrolls, and gets the kill with Flogging the Pharisees... WTF? Who plays FtP anymore? I drop to 2-1 and now I have to run the table to make it in... I can't believe this. She gloats, too... oh, well, those hips aren't going to stand up to childbearing, so laugh now, harlot. Round 4 Jonathan Potrzebie Well, I know something's up when a Manna Flare hits the table... sure enough, two turns later come Milk and Honey and Water to Wine... I keep Praying for Guidance with buyback, but can't find find one of my *four* maindeck Armageddons, and concede so we can get on with the next game. Second game, I side in Horseman of Pestilence and Gluttony and some other anti-miracle crap, and he can't get his Parable engine going... Gluttony is so fat. Third game is all about Mary, my main flygirl, whose virtue goes unsullied. True dat, true dat. I get the Submissiveness/Flagellation lock, and Shepherds apply. One more and I'm in... Round 5 Rajneesh Purjabur Apparently Rajneesh hasn't been playing for long, having converted during the Deuterocanonical expansion... I can't recognize the accent, I think he's Swedish or Filipino or something. He keeps thanking me and shit, I mean, as if. Just go. Anyway, I don't remember much, as I administer the Biggest Smiting Ever... I smite him on the hip, I smite him below the left rib, it's pretty much all about me punking him out, it's over in about ten minutes. I don't know how he made it this far. After the games, he keeps thanking me, and he's like asking me for advice on his deck and trying to shake my hand and stuff and I'm like get off me, you freak, go back to Swedonia, and he just thanks me some more. I think he was some kind of Catholic or something. Anyway, I'm into the finals! Who comes back like Lazarus? =P Quarterfinals Zechariah [foo] Well, this guy evidently won the Pennsylvania Dutch Masters, so I know he's good, but I think I'm ready. He's some kind of Amish or Mennonite or something. He starts the mind games immediately, asking me if I'd rather decide who plays first by armwrestling, as coinflipping could be construed as a form of gambling. I look at his arms and I'm like no way, it looks like this dude's been barnraising since back in the day, and when I go to call a judge, he's like OK and we flip and start. He comes out like gangbustas, but I have answers, and around midgame we're struggling back and forth for board control. He keeps asking "art thou done?" during my main phase, and finally I snap and I'm like "hey asshole, I'll tell you when I'm done, this ain't a quilting bee" and I get a warning. Finally I tap out to Flagellate my Pilate and he drops SODOM. WTF???? Pretty soon my Pilate's a pillar of salt and Shadrach's grabbing his ankles and it's over. Newsflash, churn-boy, Sodom does not combo well with Pauline Creed... Jesus H. Christ. Some people have all the luck. Anyway, he sideboards for FIFTEEN MINUTES, and we start game two. He has to Jerusalem twice, which is death against this deck, and I'm chuckling to myself, and I tell him "thine ass is like unto grass"... sure enough, I drop the lock and he concedes. Game three, he diddles with his sideboard some more, but it doesn't do him any good. This boy is my bitch... by turn fifteen, I'm laughing and joking with my friends, and I even tell him his zipper's undone... and HE LOOKS! =P What a ho. I see where the Amish get their reputation for tech. Anyway, I lock him down, and he finally scoops. And then calls for a deck check. I'm like OK, sore loser, you should be thankful you lucked out the first one, but whatever. So they take my deck, and the HJ comes back, AND I FORGOT TO SIDE OUT THE GLUTTONY! FUCK! Father, why have you forsaken me? I yell and scream at the judge, but he asks my forgiveness as he assesses me a game loss, which gives the match to THIS SCRUB WHO I OWN. I throw my deck box across the room where it hits Rajneesh, who thanks me and brings it back to me, and I finally go back over to the table with Jeb and Aaron, who scrubbed out. Turns out anyway I win half a box of Japanese Exodus, whoopee, but I do pull two Dead Sea Scrolls, and I play in a couple of side booster drafts which of course I win. The chick ends up winning the tourney. There is no justice. Anyway, on to the Hosannahs and Damnations. Hosannahs: -- my deck, for being so tech... everything in it combos so well with everything else, and if you play it, give me credit please... you'll note a crucial three card difference between my core engine and the one in the Submissiveness/Flagellation deck on the Tabernacle. -- Frank for running the Tabernacle... great site, keep up the good work, and don't stop with the Impulses. -- Joven's Ferrets. -- the Lord Jesus Christ, for giving me the opportunity to compete, yaddayaddayadda. Damnations: -- that Amish guy for hassling me and for pulling that match out of his ass. -- Jeb and Aaron for scrubbing out. -- people who copy decks off the Tabernacle... have some originality and stuff. Is there nothing new under the sun? -- Dead Sea Scroll. Ba-ROKEN! -- that chick who lucked out and then laughed at me. -- Bobo Zimblebubber, for being a cheater, a fornicator, and a big fat-ass prick. You can find me gaybashing, banning randomites, and talking shit on other players in #redemptionpro. Respectfully submitted, Otter Driver, KSC, POEE Episkopos of the Appalachian Stigmatic NASCabal, Former Masked Gin Berserker of Eris Corrosive, and Carrier of Other Titles of Mystical Import Author of "How to Impulse like That Guy Downtown who Wears the Aluminum Foil Helmet and Claims to Have Shot Kennedy" and "Why There Should Be More Chicks in Magic Because I'm a Sensitive Guy and I'd Like to See Their Boobs Now, Please," Baxter/Wakefield-style book deal pending MarchHare on IRC