Shake Yourselves!

Let me start by saying that if I offend anyone with my point of view,
then I've succeeded in striking a chord.  I’ve been listening to a lot of
Jim Rome lately, so that might explain my aggressiveness.  If you
don't like what I say, fine, but before you break off an email, take a
moment and get your neurons firing.  Think about what I've said, see
if just a wee bit of it isn't true and shake yourself.  Don't open your
piehole before you make a cogent attempt to use your brain.

The second thing is I am not, nor may I ever be a “Pro Tour Playa,”
whatever the hell that means.  Yeah, I try to participate in local events
and I’ll swing by a PTQ (to waste my whole day standing in ONE line
while the “organizers” rattle away on their ONE computer), but I’m not
one of those people who goes out of their way to qualify.  “Oh, you
don’t know what you’re talking about….you don’t know what it’s like!” 
Hey, I know what it’s like to compete.  And I can read PTQ and PT
reports on The Dojo (Frank’s the reason for a lot of your success,
“Pro Tour Playa”!).  So, if you want to slap me with my lack of PT
experience, feel free, but I won’t waste my time responding.  The
following comments are just my take on the whole thing and if you
don’t agree, if you think I’m whack, then that’s your right.

Magic is a great game.  A fun past time.  Over the last couple of
years, we’ve watched it grow to be a really competitive game with
some big money on the line.  That’s all fine and good.  I like to think
that the game has grown up because of the Pro Tour.  Major props to
the people who are trying to bring some sportsmanship and respect to
what is, essentially, just a game.

But the thing I don’t need to see is Magic on ESPN2.  It’s bad enough
that I have to watch bowling, fishing, soccer and other non-sports on
the deuce, but Magic players, get off of my TV set!  The last thing I
want to watch is fat, unshaven, unwashed, pasty Magic players
tapping mana while commentators try to make the whole spectacle
exciting with their hushed repartee.  What’s next?  In-depth interviews
with the players to get their enthralling personal stories?  Coverage of
players wolfing down Taco Bell and staying up to 5 am constructing
the killer deck? Oh, yeah, I’m riveted. Give me a break.  Snap to
this…Magic is NOT a sport.  Get it off ESPN2.  I’d rather suck it up
and endure the Winter Olympics, which is unwatchable.  Nothing is
more fascinating than the gripping luge competition.  Well, except for
maybe the back-patting retrospective of a Pro Tour career.  Shake
yourself!

Next thing: don’t ever, EVER make the mistake of thinking that you
can substitute the Pro Tour for the real world.  Do not let college slip
by.  Do not think you can make a viable living playing this game. 
Sure, there’s a lot of money to be won.  But shake yourself!  With all
the competition out there shooting for the same thing, many of them
cheating to get it, your chances are slim that you can actually earn a
living playing Magic.  Those people that do it successfully, props to
you, but you are the exception.  Stay in school, get a job and keep
that job.  It’s doable.  You can contribute to society and still play
Magic.  The less people gravy-training their poor parents while
spending their days eating Doritos, swilling Dr. Pepper and playing
Magic, the better.  

And this has been said before, but no enough emphasis can be
placed on this subject.  Practice good hygiene.  I don’t care how long
you’ve driven, or how late you stayed up last night, take a freakin’
shower, brush your teeth and put on something other than your
unwashed grease-stained Magic tee shirt.  You bring no dignity to a
game that sorely needs it.  

And while we’re on the subject of dignity, I can think of no other more
loathsome aspect of the current Magic environment than the
cheaters.  Not only is cheating in any aspect of one’s life pathetic, but
cheating at Magic, a GAME, just compounds the dishonor.  C’mon
folks…if your whole life is wrapped up in qualifying and you need to
cheat to do it, then you DON’T belong anywhere near the Pro Tour. 
Whether it’s stacking a deck, drawing an extra card, stalling, lying to
an opponent or colluding, cheating is cheating.  It’s weak, it’s wrong
and you don’t need to bring it to the game.  Deserve to win on the
merits of your deck and your playing skills, but get your weak
attempts to screw others over out of the Tour.

Why are wannabes always trying to get over on the players who are
earning their place and doing so without cheating, whining and
crying?  Stop whining about how you got screwed over because of
this reason or that and just shut up.  Take your loss and learn from it. 
Too many people, many of them without the maturity to realize this,
will cry without seeing how it hurts the game in general.  Mana screw
sucks, but deal with it…don’t make it your excuse.  Whenever I go to
Magic events, I hear whining coming from all areas of the room. 
Waaaaaaaah.  Get over yourself.

Memo to qualified players: you have your shot, you earned it.  Now
move over and give someone else a chance.  And if you’re playing to
win the $250 so you can travel to the Pro Tour Finals, you need to
worry about getting a job.  That’s such a weak reason for Q-ed
players to continue playing.  “I need the money.”  Shake yourself! 
The person you just screwed over isn’t interested in your lack of
dependable income….errrr….finances.  That person is interested in
getting his/her shot.  If you’re a poor college student, make a
decision: find a way to support your lifestyle (read as: part time work)
or stay out for awhile to concentrate on school.  And if you’re
interested in colluding to get your boyz on the Tour, LET THEM
EARN THEIR SPOT.  

Sure, there are some good reasons why Q-ed players should be
allowed to participate, but you know what, there are better reasons
why they shouldn’t.  Both arguments are good, but I think in the spirit
of fairness (hey, anyone remember what this is?), we need to open up
the field.  Q-ed players…you claim that by still participating, you’re
bringing the playing level up.  Okay, you’re good, but you ain’t all that. 
There are tons of great non-qualified players.  You don’t need to play
in order to raise the bar.  

Memo to all players: let’s cut down on the arrogance, the ignorance
and the basic crap going on in the game.  And let’s remember that it
is just a game, not a “make-me or break-me” situation.  We need to
police the game ourselves because we sure can’t depend on WotC or
DCI to do it for us.  What does this mean?  Well, for example, the
NHL (that’s ice hockey for you folks) polices itself.  How, you ask? 
That’s right, they drop gloves and let the punches fly.  Now, before
you go off half-cocked, thinking I endorse that type of thing for Magic,
shake yourself.  The reason why hockey players fight is to let
everyone know that they won’t take a high stick in the face, they won’t
take a cross-check, they won’t let you slash their skill players.  They
take care of it themselves so the refs and NHL management don’t
have to.  

What a concept.  Let’s take this idea over into the world of Magic. 
Start with your friends, with anyone you can influence.  Discourage
cheating, whining, arrogance and the other immature crap heaped
upon the game.  Set a good example of sportsmanship.  Watch your
opponents and concentrate on the game.  Use your instincts.  If a
player is trying to get over on you, let him/her know that you don’t
appreciate it and you’ll call a judge over.  If you build up a rep as a
player that won’t take that shit, then the cheaters will be less likely to
take advantage of you.

Perhaps I’m asking too much.  Perhaps the type of sportsmanship I’m
looking for doesn’t exist in most of the people participating in Magic. 
How below average is that, when you really think about it?  We may
not be able to police ourselves because not enough good, honest
players exist to set an example and to level out the playing field with a
sense of fairness.  Perhaps I’m looking for a level of maturity that just
doesn’t exist.  

You know, in retrospect, perhaps the Pro Tour has done more harm
to the game than good.  When money is on the line, people tend to
lose their grip on what’s right in favor of “what can I get out of it.” 
Greed.  When there’s competition, people forget the spirit of the
game and reduce themselves to arrogant (annoying), trash-talking
(self-confidence-lacking), spoiled (whiny) brats.  Do I really want to sit
across from players like this?  Does anyone?  Quit your verbal
masturbation and just play. 

To be completely fair, there are tons of great players out there, but
there’s a growing number of not-so-great players who drag us all
down with them.  You want the game to become more popular, to
draw more interest from a larger pool of people?  The current
environment is counteractive to those desires.  As a 26-year old
woman, I’m finding it harder and harder to get excited about spending
my day at a PTQ because of the atmosphere.  Arrogant,
disrespectful, unwashed teenagers are not fresh.  And to think that
financially I should be the target audience (i.e. people with a
disposable income), but instead WotC panders to 14-year old boys. 
Yeah, there’s the ethical center of the game right there.

I guess the moral of the story is: shake yourselves!  Well, duh, of
course it is!  What that simple phrase means is get a grip on reality. 
Don’t cheat others because you can’t make it on your merits alone. 
Don’t take yourselves too seriously and remember, for everything that
Magic has evolved into, it is just a game.  And get your mugs off of
ESPN2!  

Not a playa,

Jennifer A. Vodvarka
vodkinator@geocities.com
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/6712