Subject: Crew Origins Report
Date: Fri, 10 Jul 1998 15:40:38 -0500 (CDT)
From: rserio@ix.netcom.com
To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com

THE PLUGGED NICKEL
and other adventures in downtown Columbus

 "Learning how to not give a fuck was what
 this weekend was all about" - Sam Heckman

 So it's the day before we're supposed to leave for nationals and we
have no ride save for the infamous Nasty Mobile. Now I'm not too hip
on taking the Nasty Mobile in the first place but more importantly it
gave me a good excuse not to go, when in reality I just didn't want to
go so that I'd be able to attend an ass-busting 4th of July party
instead (USA! USA! USA!). However, the combined beckonings of
Sam Heckman, Yap and a Baker made the trip to Columbus
irresistable and eventually I caved in. I wasn't qualified because I was
too lazy to appeal my ranking, but it's not like that's important anyway.

 So me, Max and Sam Heckman all hop into the Nasty Wednesday
night and off we go. If you actually want to read much about
tournaments or Magic: The Gathering in general then just click the
back button on your browser now cause there's nothing you're looking
for here. Instead there's just the highlights of the longest weekend of
the year Crew-style.

 * On the way Sam Heckman decides it would be a good idea to race
a Ferarri. The Nasty was keeping up just fine till Sam made a poor
decision on what lane to use at the toll booth and we got held up in
the traffic.

 * Slops to Indiana for smelling like shit half the time and noxious
fumes the other half. I hate the Land of Stinkoln.

 * Call 1-800-RAPER-RV for all your RV needs. They buy, sell and
trade.

 * Wednesday night Sam Heckman wipes the floor with Kevin Baker
in high stakes Fallen Empires Soloman draft.

 * In one of the opens Big Ted Kaplin gets beaten down and then
while packing up his cards starts flipping through his deck. Ted then
points out to his opponent that all of Ted's lands are upside down and
calls a judge over. Big Ted then procedes to tell the judge that his
opponent somehow turned all of Ted's lands upside down while he
was shuffling his deck. The look the judge gave Big Ted was
priceless. I've seen people try a lot of things to try and get their
opponents DQed but this was the most amazing by far.

 * While waiting in our room for everyone to shower early Thursday
morning (which is about 2 pm for us) Francis Keys procedes to
explain to us that it would be ok if Sean and Kevin Baker gave each
other blowjobs in the bathroom. His strange and disturbing rationale
was that since they were brothers it would be just like masturbating.
Thankfully, Francis has no brothers of his own.

 * Thursday night we go out to eat with Francis, Melissa, Mike
Reinking, Kai, little Baker and Frank Kusumoto. The place we went to
was great. Not only did they have amazing food, but they also had an
networked trivia game set up which Frank wrecked with his vast
knowledge of just about everything. And best of all they had no
problem with serving drinks to minors.

 * Thursday late-night starts getting pretty insane after alcohol
consumption and sleep deprevation start kicking in.

 - Dan Burdick learns the hard way why you don't lick Sam Heckman's
head. It's not as tasty as it looks.

 - Sean Baker promises to ride the T2k like a wild bull but pusses out
in the end.

 - Dan Burdick' s jar of peanut butter ends up getting squeezed,
bashed, slammed, jumped on and penetrated by Yap's member, yet
still survived basically intact.

 - A mass card throwing war breaks out and I severely injure my leg
making a running lunge over a table into Yap and his woman.

 * Around 8am Sam Heckman and I go back up to the room. Sam
proclaims that he's going to go to bed instead of playing in nationals.
Kevin Baker then threatens to break a chair over Sam's head if he
doesn't play. Sam ponders for a moment, downs 2 shots of Jack
Daniels and goes off to compete.

 * Before nationals starts Sam Heckman is talking with Matt and
Christa Stenger, who are very astonished to find that Sam didn't want
to play in nationals. To this Sam replied, "I didn't go to sleep all night
and I just had 2 shots of Jack, do you think I give a fuck about U.S.
Nationals?".

 * Friday night after all the rounds were over, Sam Heckman goes up
to the room to sleep and while he's there decides to take a shit on the
Workhorse he got in the 2nd draft. This brings new meaning to the
term "piece of shit card".

 * About 5 am Saturday morning Sam Heckman, Dan Clegg and I are
on our way back to our room to get Dan a Type II deck for nationals.
In the hallway there's a roll-away bed just sitting there not being used.
So I figured since we have 2 beds and 6 people in our room we could
certainly use this. As I push it down the hall Sam Heckman
continually tells me to leave it and that we're gonna get charged for it
and blah, blah, blah. But then Sam comes up with the brilliant idea to
cover up someone's door with it. So I push it over so that it competely
covers one of the room doors. Imagine if you will, leaving your room
in the morning, opening up the door and there being a bed standing
upright completely blocking off your door. Well... maybe you had to be
there.

 * Saturday night a bunch of us go to eat at the rib place again but
unfortunately find it to be closed. After wandering around downtown
Columbus for a short while we happen upon an establishment named
the "Plugged Nickel". We considered going there for about 2 seconds
before we decided that Subway was the way to go. The name did
keep us laughing for the rest of the night though. I must say,
Columbus does have one hell of a gay bar scene. Hacker must have
been estatic.

 * Way late night Saturday found a great many interesting things
happening as well.

 - After losing in a team tournament I give Francis Keys an
Undiscovered Paradise for half a bag of Nacho Cheese Dorritos.

 - Chris Stelzer suplexes Mark LePine, headlocks him and then
pummels him into concession.

 - Allow me to set the stage for the only tournament portion of this
report. Francis Keys is playing in a side booster draft. He has naught
but a Cloudchaser Eagle and Standing Troops in play. His opponent
has a Killer Whale, Thalakos Scout and a Rootwater Hunter. Francis
is getting rather low on life. He plays the Mogg Assassin that has
been sitting in his hand just so that he won't get pinged by the
rootwater for one this turn. His opponent decides that he really wants
to ping Francis so he Forbids the Mogg Assassin. Now it's the
opponent's turn. He attacks and gets Francis even lower. Francis
goes, top decks Rolling Thunder and burns his now counterless
opponent right out of the game. The laughter went on for about 20
minutes, 2 of which Kai Martin spent rolling around on the floor.

 - Sam Heckman and I have an unusual conversation with Bzzzatch
from the IRC in which he discusses a plan to don a black ski mask,
barge into the finals room during the top 8, charge at Leiher, throw a
bucket of urine on him and quickly make an exit before anyone can
react. Now that's a beating.

 - Sean Baker and Dan Bridy are forced to flee from the law after
cutting off the power to half of Columbus.

 * Sunday during the final 8 Jim Hustat turns to me and says ,"It would
be worth getting banned for life to physically harm Mike Long." What
can you do but whole heartedly agree?

 That's about it for the play by play. Now just some general crapola.

 * Pick-up lines for gamer chicks as demonstrated by Dan Burdick
and Lan Ho are amazing. "You must be a 10th level thief cause you
just stole my heart." Or if you perfer, "You must have an 18 charisma
cause you're looking good and my reaction adjustment is friendly."

 * I'd just like to show my appreciation for modern science. Lets hear it
for that amazing blond with the fake tits.... er... medically enhanced
breasts.

 * Some props for Dan Clegg and Chris Stelzer for beating down
anyone and everyone in partners draft. By Sam Heckman's
calculations they were up about $4,000 by the end of the weekend.

 * Is it just me or is M. Bison harder on the Street Fighter II at the
convention center then on every other machine on the planet?

 * Never before in my life have I seen a line for Arkanoid.

 * The fact that Eddie Woods has once again been denied his rightful
title of U.S. National Champion is evidence that this game has a long
way to go before a sufficient amount of luck has been removed.

 * Props to Mike Long for doing what he does best - cheating his ass
of while suffering little or no reprecutions. Go You!

 * Props and Slops to Sam Heckman for exposing his butt crack to me
while retrieving a pen from the trunk of the Nasty Mobile with which to
write this report.

 * Big extra-special props to Nate Clarke just because his mom gives
such damn good head.

 Later.
 Ron Serio